If | Blogmas 01

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Hello all! I hope this post finds you well. I don’t write much just to write any more and I want to, so I’m casually deciding to post once a day while I’m on Christmas break. I care too much about the appearance of this blog and I worry that no one cares to read, but neither of those things matter because I dearly love writing.

I’m tired of writing my diary because I feel unvalidated/alone in my difficulties and so that’s all I write about. It’s ugly and full of discontentment. Blogging forces me to edit and reconsider what I want to remember, what I want to share, and what I think defines me and holds lasting importance.


 

I just read “If” by Rudyard Kipling, and wanted to share it, here’s a link to the full version if you want to read it all, but the beginning and the ending in particular struck me the most. That’s cheating but idc. Poetry snobs can get off my blog please and thank you.

If you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;   
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
//
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling
This is my anthem tonight for this blog. I trust my stupid, empty writing, even if no one else does. This passion project, this angsty archive is my brain’s weekend home and I care for it.
I am waiting in every corner of my life. I am not content, I am not trusting in the Lord, I am impatient, frustrated, let down, lonely, and tired.
I would like to wait and not be tired by waiting.
I am filling this unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run. 

“Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.” -Ghandi


Other thoughts; littler ones

  • Last night my roommates made a giant nest of mattresses and we watched a movie and slept on the floor in the living room. EXCELLENT.

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  • I took my last final, Media Writing, at 8 this morning, checked out of my dorm at 11:30, drove home, ate peanut butter bars my mom made, opened the 8 days of the advent calendar I had missed, snuggled dear Herbie, watched C’mon Man and the Grinder with my dad, and cleaned my room. Ethan and I played Harvest Moon. I went for a run. Yep.
  • Yesterday I went for a ride with Liam for the last time until I’m back in Chattanooga at the end of January. He was annoyed that I didn’t bring him any carrots. He kept sniffing my hip because I always tuck them into my belt. I loved that he remembered. I know horses remember but I forget. We worked on walk-canter and canter-walk transitions. More like, I worked on transitions. Liam is infinitely patient. I already miss him.
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liam selfie
  • Tomorrow is my first official day of break. I’m hoping to go Christmas shopping and run and develop the film from an old camera I found. Yep.
  • Lonesome Dreams by Lord Huron is my favorite song today.

goodnight!

xx

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