Processed with VSCO with m5 preset
Cades Cove, Townsend, Tennessee, GSMNP, a good place to think about God

Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

More | Matthew West

I feel so entirely terrible.

I’m listening to old worship music and trying to clean the apartment because easy fixes for feeling so entirely terrible are doing things for other people and worship. Angrily, while scrubbing our sink out with clorox wipes because thats what college is, I said to God that I feel like I don’t have a way in anymore because I feel so entirely terrible and I know that the gospel is not about me being good enough but that, again, my brain can’t can’t can’t understand that.

I feel so entirely terrible that I feel like I can’t find a good enough reason to want closeness with God; all my reasons are selfish- “I don’t want to be sad,” “this isn’t working out and I need you to make me happy,” “I feel existential and I can’t handle it,” etc.

I feel guilt for needing God in selfish ways, but that is all that I feel. This morning I’m thankful that He requires so little of us. Hallelujah that I don’t have to scrape together anything good enough because I can’t.

In Charleston this summer, Emily Fenz, my discipler, walked me through a study of the attributes of God. One of them was God’s Holiness. We talked about what it meant that God is Holy. His Holiness makes him perfect, strong, awesome, unique and therefore worthy.

“We have redemption in Him through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure that He planned in Him for the administration of the days of fulfillment- to bring everything together in the Messiah, both things in heaven and things on earth in Him.”

Ephesians 1: 7-10

I love Him I love Him so terribly but I love Him and Hallelujah He loves me.



2 thoughts on “Terrible

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